Forgiveness FAQ

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you more peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness takes away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

Consider admitting the wrong you've done to those you've harmed, speaking of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically asking for forgiveness — without making excuses. Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Simply acknowledge your faults and admit your mistakes. Then commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be challenging. It may be particularly hard to forgive someone who doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of his or her sorrow. If you find yourself stuck, it may help to write in a journal or pray. You may want to talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader or an unbiased family member or friend. You may also want to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you. Keep in mind that forgiveness has the potential to increase your sense of integrity, peace and overall well-being.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however. Reconciliation may be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation may not be appropriate, especially if you were attacked or assaulted. But even in those cases, forgiveness is still possible — even if reconciliation isn't.

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Forgiveness Tips

Don't wait for an apology. "Often we get very self-righteous: 'There's no way I'm going to forgive unless she says she's sorry,'   But when we do that, we could end up clinging to anger for years, often at our own expense. We're leaving our well-being in the hands of someone else." So start right now by recalling the facts of the incident and acknowledging your anger and hurt.

Empathize with your offender. He or she may have acted out of ignorance, fear or pain. "There's a saying I heard once: Behind every jerk, there's a sad story,"  We forget that even people whom we love very much will hurt and sometimes betray us. It doesn't necessarily signal the end of the relationship.

Think about the relief you felt when you were forgiven by someone you loved.  It's much more painful to contemplate your own faults and failings than others

Perform a symbolic act.   If you don't make it public in some way, then you may not believe that you've truly forgiven." For example, you could hold a large stone at arm's length and drop it when you're ready to forgive. Or light a candle and imagine that your anger is melting along with the wax.  You can use what I mentioned earlier about the Forgiveness Exercise.  You can burn it and use that as your symbolic act or you can wrap it around a rock and throw it in the river.

Remember that forgiving is not forgetting. Hurt feelings can linger even after you've forgiven. You may even need to renew the pardon at some point. But letting go of a grudge frees you to move on.